Filters and Duck's theory

In the past, I have used a number of filters to eliminate people from consideration as potential romantic partners.

I have used sociologic and incidental cues, both when considering people initially as well as determining whether to continue a relationship. I would typically date someone from the same school or social circle. If someone was visiting or lived in another city, I would be less likely to consider them. In one newer relationship, when the other person moved, it was not worth continuing a long distance relationship.

Preinteration cues can also be important. If someone dresses in a manner that shows no care at all or that identifies them with a group that I do not respect, I am less likely to consider them. For example, the manner someone dresses may make them come across as sloppy or irresponsible. On the other hand, if someone dresses very fancy and drives a showy car, they may come across as arrogant or self-centered.

Interaction cues are very important. I may filter people out if they don’t seem engaged or interested, seem arrogant or are not considerate of others. Examples are if someone puts others down to make themselves look better, or doesn’t seem interested in what I say. Even something as simple as aggressive driving may tend to show that someone is inconsiderate of others. However, it is the overall set of interactions rather than a single behavior that create that impression.

Of course, cognitive cues are most important, if someone is still being considered. However, sometimes people will try to seem interested in the same things or seem to share common values, but they are just trying to make you like them. I find that the cognitive cues need to be judged over a period of time.

I do think Duck’s theory makes sense to a degree, although I don’t think there are strict filters at each stage of a relationship. Every person is different as is every relationship. There is no room for strict filters, the filters overlap, change, develop over time and disappear. I may not initially be interested based on early cues, but through familiarity, I may find the person to be interesting. In one case, I thought someone was arrogant, because of the way he dressed and the fancy sports car he drove. However, I learned later that it was more out of insecurity than arrogance and the person was very nice. Other times, I have gotten into a relationship and found strong common interests (cognitive cues), but did not continue the relationship because of changes in sociological and incidental cues. For instance, in one case, I ended a relationship with a very nice person when they moved away, but I did not feel strongly enough to try a long distance relationship.